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Young Writers Society



Book I: Nyshida: The Untold Secrets: Chapter I

by Dominique The Unbreakable


It was a cold winters night. The milky white moon seemed to make the snow appear transparent and glow at the same time. Nyshida stood, perched on a tall tree branch. Her red eyes searching for a human. A lost soul. Then an odor arose to her sensitive nose. Only one stench, as vile as it was, could belong to one group. The Maheme. She pulled her hood over her eyes to hide her scent from them. In her mind, she began calculating different scenarios of how she would take them out.

She assessed each one of the Maheme. There were five. Three male, and two female. One of the males, the slowest one, seemed to be a new born. The clothes under his cloak reeked of fresh human blood. Nyshida could almost taste the sweet blood on each of their lips. They had no sense in hiding their selves from mortals. All of them, except the new born, seemed to be powerful. They would sense her as soon as she drew her sword. She suppressed a sigh and slid her teeth over her arm until she had the taste of her blood in her mouth. She would need to use her power on them

Quickly her nails grew longer and into claws. She grew longer more acute fangs. She could hear each one of their slow heart beats. She could taste the blood flowing in their veins. Slowly she reached to her back for her three swords and thew them in the air. The Maheme's heads snapped up just as she came down on the leader of the Maheme group.

She dug the heal of her stiletto into his throat until she heard a snap. The new born ran for it. She chuckled. The other three drew their weapons. Nyshida caught all three of her swords when they collided.

"Damn bastards!" She yelled at the two dead men.

"Haiiiiii!!!" The females yelled, lunging at her.

Her swords made a snapping noise and joined together to make one huge sword. She side stepped and disappeared and re-appeared behind the two females. She thrust her sword into one female and punched the other straight through her back out of her chest. When Nyshida pulled her hand back, she held the females heart. Nyshida crushed it and laughed as she looked around at all the blood splattered on the peaceful snow.

"Stupid b*****s!" She laughed.

Nyshida twisted her sword in the woman's back then pulled it out with a crack and a crunch. The woman fell over. She licked the blood off of her sword and her hand. Mmm, She thought.

"W-who are you?" The New Born appeared from behind a pine tree. The silent wind pulled his hood off. Nyshida gasped as she gazed at the boy.

He looked to be 14. He had piercing blue eyes and hair as white as the snow its-self but a few specks of blood broke the spell of his beauty. Nyshida smiled and dropped her sword then began to walk towards him.

"H-hey, what are you doing?" The boy stepped back.

"Tell me your name boy."

"My name is Yukio."

"Snow Boy huh? I can see why that is your name. Tell me Yukio, why are you with the Maheme?"

"They saved me from being killed by villagers. The villagers thought I brought bad luck because of how I looked. They tried to burn my house down and then the Maheme stepped in and turned me into a vampire."

"Hmm, you are no longer part of the Maheme. You got that Yukio?"

"W-what?! Why not? And why did you kill them? Who are you? What do you want with me?"

"Stubborn boy." Nyshida ruffled his hair.

"Don't hide your face!" Yukio knocked off Nyshida's hood. Her black hair fell down to her breasts. Her eyes changed from red to purple then to black. She glared at Yukio.

"Hasn't anyone taught you manners?! I had my hood up for a reason!"

"Which is?"

"Because I can OK!" But is was to late. Yukio watched as the moon light bathed her in it's light. Her right eye turn blue and the other green. Her long charcoal hair turned white with strips of blue in it. She growled at Yukio and showed him her fearsome fangs.

Yukio walked over and grabbed her sword and handed it to her.

"I'll go with you."

"Yes you will."

"What is your name?"

"It's Nyshida."

"How old are you anyway?"

"I'm 18."

"No, I mean seriously."

"I'm about...100 I think. What about you Yukio?"

"I'm..in vamp years I'm about 40, but I was turned when I was 16."

"If you are 40, why do you still smell of New Born?"

"They said that I am a different type of vamp. They told me that I mature slower so I still have all the New Born strength."

"Hmm."

"Nyshida, you are very beautiful for 100."

"And you are very handsome for 40 kid." They both laughed and began walking into the forest, leaving four dead vamp bodies and blood covered trees.


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Thu Aug 27, 2009 8:35 pm
DakotaK wrote a review...



Ok, someone already got the nitpicks though I didn’t find any obvious ones while reading. I can tell you like writing about carnage. That was a pretty gruesome scene there though a very well described one. I felt like I was standing beside Nyshida as she slayed the vampires instead of just reading about it.
I can’t help it but I have to mention, it seems like 80% of what I’ve been reading lately has been about vampires. Your story though has enough uniqueness to it that perhaps Yukio could be something similar to a vampire but with a few differences and then you could turn him into a creature of your own design. It would pose for a better story I think. I can’t wait to read the next one. You’ve got the start to a great story I think.
~Dakota




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Tue Aug 25, 2009 4:47 am
LowKey wrote a review...



First, the nit-piks, then thoughts and what I liked. And believe me, I really did like this. The tone you set at the beginning was perfect, and that you were able to maintain it was even better. Most stories in here lose the tone after the second or third line. But ack, I'm getting ahead of myself. Suffice to say that I like the piece.

She grew longer more acute fangs


Should be

She grew longer, more acute fangs


Slowly she reached to her back for her three swords and thew them in the air.


Typo ;)

The Maheme's heads snapped up just as she came down on the leader of the Maheme group.


Here's a trick that I didn't learn until about a year ago.

The boy's truck = one boy.

The boys' truck = more than one boy.

So if it's more than one Maheme, and I'm pretty sure it is, then it would be "Mahemes'"

There's a trick to the rule, though. Children means more than one child, for example, and so to say something belongs to the children, it would just be 'The Children's." We already know that there's more than one child, and while there can be more than one group of children, you can't really have more than one children, period. That's not really important to what you were doing there, but just for future reference. :)

"Haiiiiii!!!" The females yelled, lunging at her.


Usually, when you stretch out a word, you only stretch it by two or three letters. Also, multiple punctuation marks are things you really, really want to avoid until you're an established author and can get away with "!!" or "?!" or "??" etc. They're great in comic books, but not so hot in novels.

She side stepped and disappeared and re-appeared behind the two females.


Sentence structure is a little iffy... let's try something.

She side-stepped, disappeared, and re-appeared behind the two females.

Or:

She side-stepped and disappeared, re-appearing behind the two females.

Either way, you need to delete an 'and'. ;)

She thrust her sword into one female and punched the other straight through her back out of her chest. When Nyshida pulled her hand back, she held the females heart.


Wow. Great image, give's a very clear picture of Nyshida's strength. Two things to keep in mind, though. The first is that the heart is protected (darn near surrounded) by bones. That's why it's a tad unrealistic to have someone stab someone perfectly in the heart. Chances are, they're hit a rib or two first. From behind, you've got a whole mess of bones to go through before you get to the heart, not to mention all the taunt muscle.

Then again, your character seems to pretty tough, so maybe you can disregard that. The second thing to keep in mind, though, is that the female would probably (very likely) fall to the ground from that sort of force first, making it impossible for Nyshida's hand to come out her chest. Just something to consider. :)

"Stupid b*****s!" She laughed.


Censoring your work cheapens it. If you feel the language might be inappropriate for some readers, just make note in the title. I'm not sure if we have the ratings over here yet, but if we do, use them, too. G, PG, PG-13, and R. G being General Audiences, safe for all ages, PG meaning parental Guidance, some cussing, violence, etc. PG-13 being 13 and up, and R being restricted, 17 years of age and older. Usually used for heavy cursing, heavy violence, sex, etc. Also used if the f-word is used, even once in the work. Forgive me if you already know this, but I've heard the question enough not to chance it. :)

Almost done! I liked your piece, trust me. I just like to get all the nit-piks out of the way first.

He looked to be 14. He had piercing blue eyes and hair as white as the snow its-self but a few specks of blood broke the spell of his beauty.


Itself. :)

Tell me Yukio, why are you with the Maheme?"


Tell me, Yukio, why...

Need a comma before the name.

You got that Yukio?"


Same there.

"W-what?!


:P

"Because I can OK!"


Comma after 'can' and OK should be either O.K. or okay. Try to avoid using all caps, they're bad for your work. ;)

She growled at Yukio and showed him her fearsome fangs.
Yukio walked over and grabbed her sword and handed it to her


Ack, moving too fast there, I think. One moment he's afraid of her, and then she starts changing colors and growling at him, something that should only reinforce his fear, if anything, and he walks over, grabs her sword, and says he'll go with her. As it's currently written, he seems a bit too calm there.

"I'm..in vamp years


Eep! No! Trust me, if you prefix 'years' with any humaniod species, you will later regret it. I know. A few years ago, I wrote a story with 'elf' years. It wasn't so horrible, but that... every time I read that phrase in there, I groaned. That might have just been because I had them mature really slowly, though. Human years, 93, elf years, 19, etc. What makes a vamp year any different from your typical, regular solar year, anyway? You pulled it off okay, so you might be able to live with it later. But still. Why not just say he's been a vampire for 40 years, but he was turned when he was 16?

Also, as a side note, you tend to want to write out your numbers. So forty, not 40, sixteen, not 16, etc. :)

Aaand that's the end!

I thought it was brilliant, actually. You set the mood instantly, and I can't even pin-point where the hook was, it was so smooth. I just know that it was consistent throughout. I'm interested to find out more about Nyshida... seems like a very interesting character. Curious as to why she spared Yukio, even more curious to find out what, exactly, she is. Maybe she's just a human, but the way she used her nose makes her seem special. Yes, definitely want you to post part two. If/when you post it, could you perhaps PM me with a link? I'd love to continue reading.




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Mon Aug 17, 2009 4:28 am
Ellyphant wrote a review...



Ooh! I want to read part two! I like where this is going. *praises* Thank you so much for making this a non-romance vampire story! I am so freaking tired of Bella and Edward! Good job, though. I do have a few nit-picks, but would you mind if I finished those up tomorrow? Once again, I loved it. Great job.




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Mon Aug 17, 2009 3:12 am



Hey people, so O.K., this is my first story. I hope you all like it, I mean, it took me about a hour for some reason. Anyways, please comment because I'd really like to see what people think about my work and see if you want to read a Part 2. So yeah people, please comment, I'm anxious to see what you all think.
-Dominique





No one is perfect; not even your reflection.
— Chalkboard Words